Certificate of Illness/Absenteeism

“Health is not valued till sickness comes.”

Thomas Fuller

This week I get a vicious cold, miss a week of work and earn my very first Certificate of Illness/Absenteeism. You’re probably wondering how one attains such an honour and just what value a Certificate of Illness holds. Is it halfway to a Bachelor of Illness? Could it lead all the way to a Masters? I don’t know all the particulars but there are prerequisites. To start with, you’ll need some sort of viral or bacterial infection and a pressing need to stay close to your bathroom.

It was after I’d missed 3 days of work, suffering with chest congestion, headache, cough, weakness, sore throat, chills and sweats that Emrys mentioned that my work might require some sort of doctors note. So off I trudge up Lonsdale to the clinic. (There really is nothing quite like going out into the world after being sick inside for days, is there? Everything is too bright and loud and terribly confusing. My legs are weak and don’t work right, causing me to move like some sort of pathetic muppet).

After a short wait a doctor will see me. She checks my eyes, ears, throat and chest and takes my temperature. She rules out strep and recommends I take another day or two to rest up. And that’s when the magic happens. That’s when she hands me not just a regular old doctors note but rather a Certificate of Illness. Oh the pride! I only have to pay $10 at reception to have my certificate stamped (would anyone really notice if I skipped that step?) before my certificate is ready to declare my illness/absenteeism to the world.

After all my effort my employer doesn’t even care to see my Certificate; apparently they “trust” me. So I’m showing it to you. I hope you’ll appreciate the blood, sweat, snot and tears that went into this and will never doubt me when I tell you I’m certifiably sick.