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Meet A New Human

“A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten and the future worth living for.”


This week I’m off to meet a new human. I mean, not just another person but a really “new” human; like one who was just born a few weeks ago. I’ve known JJ’s parents for a while now and they’re great so I’m hopeful he’ll be cool too. He certainly looks pretty chill in the Facebook photo his mother put up the other day.

I’m not sure how it happened but I haven’t had a lot of contact with babies in my adult life. I mean, I’ve seen them on Facebook (a lot) and in movies and such. In other words, I’m pretty sure they exist and they’re not just an urban legend. I did even help raise my little sister; but that was 25 years ago. So I’m excited and just a little bit nervous that my friends have a new baby. Their lives are changing forever and I hope I don’t lose contact with them now that they’re parents. I hope they’ll still have time for the important things; like Cards Against Humanity. But more urgently, I hope I remember what to do with a baby, like how to hold it.

To be on the safe side I seek YouTube’s guidance and end up watching this video for some baby holding tips; as I get the impression dropping the baby wouldn’t go over well. I feel bad for the guy in the video, who is supposedly there to teach you how to hold a baby but can’t quite get it right himself. It’s sadly funny. The cradle hold looks like a safe bet however. I think I’ll save the football hold for a later visit. (How do you pass the baby if you’re doing the football hold anyway?) Seriously though, I’m pretty sure it’s just like passing a joint, right? (Between the thumb and index finger). Yes, I think I’m definitely ready…

After work we pick up some food and drinks from Provence and head over to A&J’s house. When we arrive our other friends, Jaimie and Greg, are already there. JJ is much smaller in person than he appears in his Facebook photo. Annie asks if I’d like to hold him and I say yes. He’s so tiny and very warm in my arms. He squirms a little, arching his back with surprising strength. I start off in a cradle hold and easily graduate to a shoulder hold; which works pretty well except that he keeps arching his back to look at me, his little eyes growing wide as he takes in my face up close. He’s pretty scrumptious and I really want to nibble his fingers and stroke his fuzzy ears but that seems a bit bold for our first date. I think I’ll just focus on supporting his neck for now.

After a diaper change we’re off to the nearby park, where we sit and eat our picnic, sip a little bubbly and talk. There’s a fair bit of poo talk; in other words, nothing much has changed. We learn that JJ’s not a fussy eater and has a head size in the 94th percentile; although he looks pretty proportionate to me. Annie and Jeremy take turns eating dinner, passing off JJ between them; they seem very natural in their new roles. JJ’s eyes grow wide when he’s placed on the checkered picnic blanket and there’s time for a quick photo shoot before the sun sets and we pack up our picnic and head home.

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